| shedding my own blood |
[03 Nov 2006|02:14am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sore |
] |
| [ |
music |
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connie francis - where the boys are |
] |
why does my life send me such mixed signals?
something will happen to make me grin. another will happen to make me frown. something happens for a reason. it becomes overshadowed by something greater and far less meaningful.
there are so many positives and negatives, but in the end...they all cancel each other out and the only thing left is white noise. a static that is too uncomfortable to bare, but so seductive and simple in its ways.
a giant black hole pulling me in all directions...tearing my limbs away from my body and leaving me with the lonely remains of my throbbing brain.
ugly and helpless...it reflects my exterior.
and mocks my interior.
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| happy halloween! |
[01 Nov 2006|02:58am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
FAT |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
oingo boingo - dead man's party |
] |
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| Paradiso |
[25 Oct 2006|11:15am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 nauseated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
simon and garfunkel - i am a rock |
] |
last night i had a dream in which i was staying in a 4-star hotel. the reason as to why i was there revolved around myself being shipped off to college, but lacking an appropriate place to abide until the semester began. my parents had left the country for reasons unknown and so had placed me in the finest establishment they could locate, where all my companions had miraculously been placed, as well. because, you see, in my dream there existed one measly college that everyone was required to attend.
the hotel functioned not only a a living quarters, but for recreational purposes, as well. it included a theater, gymnasium, and an underground shopping center that we could use to our own advantages and function in to fit our own time-frames.
one day i was wandering around trying to locate the theater, and i stumbled upon a room unfamiliar to my memory. the door was slightly ajar and was partially shielding the voices that seemed to be leaking form beneath it. curiosity overtook me, and with no hesitation i gave the door a shove, coming face-to-face with a sight more shocking than i had prepared myself for.
behind the door lay a modernized side-show...but the first word that entered my mind was HELL, for beyond the barrier existed a micro-pod of people that lacked the appropriate limbs to normally function as human beings. their wanton eyes stared questionably at my average form, as they and myself waited for the first move to be made. i could feel their minds straining to locate some anatomical error in my makeup, searching for my missing segment before accepting me into their self-declared sanctuary. as i stood there speechless, jaw dropped open, i suddenly felt i wave a acceptance wash over me, and i found myself to be moving forward--violently driven by some force outside of myself.
before i knew it, my arms were wrapped around these hobbling creatures...these misplaced mutants lacking lower-bodies. grasping onto something so honest and pure, that i drifted into an out of body state, with these innocent souls just inches away from my heart. and suddenly their expressions shifted from something defensive and fearful to inexplicably astonished as i continuously brought each one of them into my arms and onto my chest, lifting off me a weight that i had become so used to carrying. every chip on my shoulder, every rust-eroded memory, every scar that haunted my weary mind...disintegrated.
and the rooms inhabitants wept, because an incident as rare and as lovely as this was doomed to never occur twice over alongside humanity. for if it did, the universe would collapse inside itself, and the world would be dangerously too close to Paradise.
also, i had a panic attack last night.
shit.
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| mind blindness |
[25 Oct 2006|04:44am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 grateful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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paul simon - mother and child reunion |
] |
i honestly feel happy. i don't remember the last time i felt this way. but this wave of reassurance swept over me today...whispering that everything is going to turn out okay. i don't need anyone else to accompany me on this journey, i have myself and that's all that matters. i had random interviews today...and i have more on thursday, on which day i also find out about another possible job. i have people that love me. i care deeply for my children(felines). my parents are always there for me. film makes me feel complete. music fills in the gaps. i should be grateful and stop feeling sorry for myself, because things could be a lot worse. and i could cry so easily right now but i won't...of if i do, it will be for my completeness. for my sorrow in leaving this world if i had to...not for the fear of dying, but for the sake of leaving so much behind. for not being able to witness the world move on without me. for what i'll miss.
i'm alright.
and i am my own individual existance.
life is an extraordinary thing...
you should try it sometime.
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| skanks, bitches and 12 year-olds |
[23 Oct 2006|04:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 mischievous |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
oingo boingo - on the outside |
] |
occasion: interview number two
setting: manchester mall
time: 3:30 pm
store: bath and body works
my second interview went immensely better than the first. BUT!! instead of having a pre-menopausal blond yuppie waiting to be interviewed after me, this time i was accompanied by a pre-pubescent cocoa-headed daddy's girl...who couldn't have been any older than 18. her voice created in me the urge to brutally puncture my eardrums with an icepick. but, i think the lady who interviewed the both of us preferred me over the living fetus. just a hunch.
apparently they're only hiring for seasonal and maybe people to keep on...but most likely only part-time. so we'll see. but within the next 24 hours i have to complete a telephone assessment, which will probably be a disaster, but i doubt even if i was offered that job that i'd take it, unless i could get another part-time job just to tide me over.
today, i had this fleeting desire to start random conversations with complete strangers.
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| mapquest will die |
[22 Oct 2006|03:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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disappointed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
sufjan stevens - chicago (acoustic) |
] |
let me start this by saying that i'm determined to find whatever douchebag created mapquest and successfully disembowel them.
that being said, it was that lying sack of interweb's directions that caused me to be late for my interview. i even left nearly half an hour earlier in case the inevitable were to happen, which it obviously did. and after i called two times to redirect myself...i drenched the already pulsating wound with salt by calling yet ANOTHER time after meandering into the establishment to find no one at the front desk. so i wandered back out to my car to, once again, call the receptionist to find out if i had entered through the correct door. she apparently had been flitting around in the backroom (reaaaal good customer service there, dingbat) and failed to notice my entrance.
and, to add insult to injury, the person scheduled for the interview following mine was a highly professional looking woman almost twice my age. she attempted to make small talk, but i couldn't draw my eyes away from her yuppy-laced attire.
the interview itself was short and sweet, but anyone in their right mind would realize who out of the two candidates would be most likely chosen for the position.
the only thing keeping me sane right now is this jew-ball currently snoozing on my lap.
she always seems to know when i require her feline services to soothe my frantic mind.
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| something of an end |
[22 Oct 2006|02:45am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 frustrated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
my brightest diamond - disappear |
] |
when did i become so boring? i wasn't aware that i was so replaceable.
i keep trying to pinpoint in my head when things went wrong, but i cannot figure it out for the life of me. i'd be lying if i said this didn't bother me, but at the same time it's sooo much easier to just pretend that i don't care.
i have two interviews coming up. tomorrow at 1:45 i have one in mass for a receptionist at an inn, and monday i'll travel to the manch mall for an interview at bath and body works. i'll probably wear the same outfit to both, haha. i don't have many nice clothes...
i hope my unicorn costume comes out sweet. but for some reason i just can't get all giddy about this upcoming party. but i guess that's no surprise.
i'm in a really antisocial mood. i don't feel like communicating with anyone or being in the precense of anything. i don't appreciate this feeling. but, i guess that suits my current mood.
UNAPPRECIATED.
on a happier note.
kathleen lolley=GOD.
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| cheech=bonsai |
[20 Oct 2006|07:12am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
oh no! oh my! - i have no sister |
] |
ohhhhh, how i've missed me and ash's random convos.
Snow Leoperd: sorry i was peeing! i ate a can of asparagus earlier and my pee smelt like it
homaridae: why didn't you just let me drink it?
homaridae: greedy
homaridae: hogging it all for yourself
Snow Leoperd: hey i couldn't hold it, meanie
homaridae: umm my mouth is ALWAYS OPEN!
Snow Leoperd: SHUT THE FUCK UP
homaridae: BITE ME!
Snow Leoperd: suck my balls!
homaridae: you wish!
Snow Leoperd: i know!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Snow Leoperd: i shoved paint chips up my vagina when i was little
homaridae: umm, more like yesterday
Snow Leoperd: nah, my house isn't that ghetto
homaridae: MINE IS! I WIN!
Snow Leoperd: OKAY!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
homaridae: dream of my asscrack!
Snow Leoperd: does it smell?
homaridae: like coconut
Snow Leoperd: oh well fuck that shit then
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Snow Leoperd: wow i can't believe you're 20 already... where did the time go..?
homaridae: um
homaridae: up my cooter
Snow Leoperd: wow
homaridae: yep
Snow Leoperd: u think you're so fucking cute
I LOVE US!
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| bostonworks vs. les robots de la rime |
[20 Oct 2006|01:15am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 busy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
les robots de la rime - plastique |
] |
the bad:
job hunting at 1:15 am and having almost every possible job posting require experience or turn out to be part-time.
LAME!
the good:
discovering galactic french hip-hop totally by accident.
always a plus.
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| maybe this is as good as it gets |
[20 Oct 2006|12:35am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 determined |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
yunyu - lenore's song |
] |
i'm basically applying at every single store that is hiring. if anyone hears anything, let me know.
i need need neeeeeeeed a job.
continental can go suck a dick, it's their fault i'm in this predicament.
also! i want one song or band suggestion from everyone who reads this. my brain craves new music.
you all know what i like.
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| NERF! |
[17 Oct 2006|12:06am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
satisfied |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
son, ambulance - pleasure now |
] |
it's funny.
i was looking at old journal entry from one of my previous LJ names, forkonfork, and then i started to read old ones on this one.
the difference is tremendous. i sounded so much happier back in the days of forkonfork. but was i?
all my entries on here were so depressing...and i can't tell if i've gotten better or worse as a writer.
ah well,
here's to a new start.
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| the girl, the dog and the she-wolf who had a taste for them both. |
[28 Apr 2006|12:42pm] |
|
the girl loved the dog.
not because of what he gave to her, or how he made her feel.
the girl loved the dog because he didn't bite her hand.
the girls hands were wrapped in bandages...
covering previous scars and wounds left from other hungry hounds.
hounds that did not wait for the food that the hands brought them.
hounds that starved for the meat and flesh of the hands that so blatently waved in front of them.
but the dog waited and did not argue.
he waited even though his stomach impatiently feasted on his innards,
and his eyes begged to be closed and gratefully welcome sleep.
but wait he did, and how he thanked the girl when life completely returned to him.
and the girl had never felt so complete.
the girl fashioned a home for the dog out of old egg cartons and glass bottles.
she fed the dog bread and potatos and made sure water was always in front of him.
but for his bed, the girl had nothing she could spare.
so when her hair grew long enough, the girl took scissors to it and down it fell,
filling the potato sacks with her scarlet locks and tying them 'round with the laces from her shoes.
the girl smiled at the dog through the tangles on her head.
and the dog wagged his tail in appreciaion.
what else could we want? this is all we really need...
the bandages angered the dog--made the hairs stand on up his back
how could my kind be so cruel?
he approached the girl to calm his rapid heart.
it is nothing. assured the girl. crest-fallen from her memories.
but the dog was not satisfied. with his gentle teeth he stripped the cloth.
look away! look away! the girl flinched.
but the dog kept on. urging off the makeshift casts,
layers upon layers of them.
and then there were none. and with his tongue the dog soothed the wounds.
the scars. drank the blood. peeled off dead flesh. made new what was old.
and liquid salt poured from the girls eyes.
before there was you there was no one...
during his meal of starch the dog did sigh.
this is how a fish feels swimming upstream.
but then came footfalls. the clinking of nail on ground.
the dog turned to see her standing there behind him. eyeing his unnatural home. salivating over his crusts of bread.
a she-wolf.
their eyes locked. they drifted forward and came nose-to-nose.
who are you?
the girl wandered back, pototos underarm, toward where the dog lay.
but he was not alone.
the thudding of the dinner caused the animals to stir.
ears erect, feet apart.
the girl recognized the hunger in the bitchs' eyes.
she fled. she did not look back.
you are alone.
her broken hair blocking her view.
you are alone.
looking down at her tattered hands in disgust.
completely alone.
having no destination. no safe-haven. no home.
he does not need you.
the dog caught up to the girl, but she would not reason.
i was the one. she clenches her teeth. the only one.
the dogs' tail between his legs.
she does not want to listen. she covers her ears to block out the truth.
then comes a howl from the hills.
fur flies.
the wolf stands beside the dog.
the girl wavers. turns to leave.
the dog cries out and lurches forward.
i never meant to hurt you...
his teeth meet her palm. her bone. her blood. her wrist.
he rips the skin. he does not mean to. he just wanted to hold her back. to make her listen.
the girl cringes and shakes. looks toward the sky.
the dog unlocks his jaw. cowers back towards the wolf whose eyes are hollow. listless.
the blood flows harshly. deeply. dark and damp and lovely.
the dog laps it up. tries to make it stop. the wolf watches.
silence.
eventually the blood stops pumping. the girl stops moving.
the wolf licks the dogs muzzle. maroon. mauve. magenta. moist.
the dog whines. he looks to the wolf for comfort. for anything.
the wolf throws her head back. she sings to the night. to her kind.
suddenly eyes shine through the forest. thousands of eyes. glowing eyes.
charging at the dog. he freezes. but they air past him. he is not what they want.
CARNAGE.
he cannot bear to watch. he cannot fight them off. there are too many of them. he is too weak.
the wolf tears apart the dogs companion with laughter in her eyes.
i lured you in. become one of us.
for a moment the violence ceases. muscle hangs from canine teeth. intestines droop. brains dangle.
the pack clears a path for the dog who shuffles towards the girls remains.
the wolf bows her head. smirks.
the dog leans over the mangle of insides.
he spots the girls heart. gleaming and veiny and smaller than he imagined it to be.
he takes it in his mouth. it feels fragile. and with his mighty jaw he breaks it and takes in its goodness. its soul. his soulmate.
and the dog had never felt so complete.
|
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| i like bruises |
[13 Apr 2006|01:34am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
LARGE |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
how the plains left me flat by flotation toy warning |
] |
lately it's hard to believe that there were times when i felt confident.
HA HA.
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| syringes and mutilated pin-up girls, flying saucers, marble jacuzzis, pink peppercorns. |
[04 Apr 2006|12:14am] |
|
...where there was nature and earth, life and water, i saw a desert landscape that was unending, resembling some sort of crater, so devoid of reason and light and spirit that the mind could not grasp it on any sort of conscious level and if you came close the mind would reel backward, unable to take it in. it was a vision so clear and real and vital to me that in its purity it was almost abscract. this was what i could understand, this was how i lived my life, what i constructed my movement around, how my reality revolved: it not not occur to me, ever, that people were good or that man was capable of change or that the world could be a better place through one's taking pleasure in a feeling or a look or a gesture, or reveiving another person's love or kindness. nothing was affirmative, the term "gernerosity of spirit" applied to nothing, was a cliche, was some kind of bad joke. sex is mathematics. individuality no longer as issue. what does intelligence signify? define reason. desire--meaningless. intellect is not a cure. justice is dead. fear, recrimination, innocence, sympathy, guilt, waste, failure, grief, were things, emotions, that no one really felt anymore. reflection is useless, the world is senseless. evil is its only permanence. god is not alive. love cannot be trusted. surface, surface, surface was all that anyone found meaning in...this was civilization as i saw it, colassal and jagged.
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| shaysins |
[04 Sep 2005|12:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 giddy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
breathe me by sia |
] |
LIFE IS GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| pumpkins make me bloom. |
[02 Sep 2005|11:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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romanced |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
poop puddles |
] |
you know whats really Naughty?
the Nutty Professor.
i like him because he likes to pee in cups.
because we all know pee is pretty cool.
thats sexy.
sometimes i think i see large bugs in random places..but thats completely normal.
sometimes i go out and make friends with them because they are the best listeners. they like to give me hugs too.
i'm wicked 1984.
i have a crush on a nanner. his name is martha.
just because his name is martha doesnt mean hes a girl.
maybe he was a girl to begin with, but thats okay i still love him.
a nanner is a nanner right?
i had a hot date with Kayla tonight. i like to lick myself when im around her.
maybe i should be in a freak show.
light my fire!!
milkyway urine.
have a wicked naked night.
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| friends only |
[17 Aug 2005|10:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored (still) |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
breathe by melissa etheridge |
] |
i know this is really late, but i never did it so i want to, haha.
this livejournal is...
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| ugly as hell |
[11 Aug 2005|11:17pm] |
|
sometimes i feel confident. sometimes i don't. this is one of the latter times.
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ghost1929's journal
